my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
