watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
