I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
