About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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