I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
