my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We got so high we made milksteak
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
