Please, let me fuck your mom
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
