Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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