Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
