I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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