You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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