my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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