i used baking grease as lip gloss
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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