I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They took my balls.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
