Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
