im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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