you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
