Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
