My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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