a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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