Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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