So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
