She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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