I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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