if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone signed my nipple.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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