Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
time to smoke my breakfast
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i think i just lost a toe
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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