cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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