i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
