Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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