Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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