oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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