I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
