I look better un-naked...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize