I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
