I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize