we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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