I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
