thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The uberlube is also flammable
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize