One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
