I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
