I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
