when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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