I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
