I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
