Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
