White coat. Heels.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
