As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
