thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
