The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
worst night to have a conscience
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
