Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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