Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
