could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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