If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
