God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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