just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
