He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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