True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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