Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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