Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
