Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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