the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
