Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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