May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
