you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
