Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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