dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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