At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
