Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
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